Jared
Mom, are you there??
Mom
Was just about to text you
Jared
Listen, is that man still at the house?
Mom
You knew he was here?
Jared
Yes. He has it out for me.
Jared
Listen, if he’s still there, get him to leave.
Jared
Helena and I have to come get you to bring you to safety
Jared
Something bad is happening right now that hasn’t yet reached the house.
Jared
Just go to the attic, and when we’re out front, we will text and come get you.
Mom
Well, you’re right, something else bad is happening right now.
Jared
Are you okay?? Did he hurt, or threaten you??
Mom
Also, you should know he’s not leaving
Jared
What!? Just tell him you don’t know where I am or lie that I’m somewhere else
Mom
This is a bit of a latergram from your basement, but:
Mom
See, the thing is, you piece of shit, your Mom and I are already on the road.
Mom
She’s driving my car right now.
Mom
My glock is pointed at her lovely flower-patterned side.
Jared
I TOLD YOU I DON’T HAVE WHAT YOU WANT, LET HER GO!
Mom
We’re about to go back to a warehouse...
Mom
where we can have a bit of a powwow, until you bring me my money.
Jared
I don’t have your money!!
Mom
Your Mom doesn’t have money.
Mom
You know she has a bit of an online gambling habit?
Mom
ANYWAY. I know you have it and are hiding it...
Mom
and now I also know you slipped out the back door like a pussy.
Jared
I told you I gave the money to Sarah to give to you
Mom
Yeah, well I think you know where she is right now too motherfucker
Mom
If you tell me where she is, I’ll let your Mom go.
Jared
She has nothing to do with this!!
Jared
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW I’M WITH THE COPS RIGHT NOW
Mom
Oh? Well tell them anything, and her brains are going to be on my window.
Mom
Now, tell me where Sarah is, and I won’t shoot her
Jared
I just heard that she’s at a place called The Barn
Mom
Which is located where.
Jared
It’s off of 95 and Whitvale Pike. It’s gated apparently.
Jared
I don’t know how we get in or even if we can get in.
Jared
All I know is the cops won’t even look for her there.
Mom
Okay, so here’s what’s going to happen.
Mom
You’re going to meet us at the Burger King on Tisdale...
Mom
and we’re going to go there together
Jared
How the fuck am I supposed to get there!!?
Jared
I told you I’m with the cops right now.
Jared
If you haven’t noticed...
Jared
there is a problem with these fucking dead people roaming around eating other people
Mom
I was offered human meat once, while I was doing a deal in China. Tastes like duck.
Mom
Anyway - I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Mom
And sounds like a high school bullshit lie to me.
Jared
I’m not lying. And I don’t know how I’m going to get to meet you.
Jared
I’m parked in Sarah’s family’s driveway right now in a cop van
Jared
You want me to STEAL the van???
Mom
Is the family car still in the driveway? The chevy cavalier?
Mom
There are keys in the glove box.
Mom
You see, I stopped there first.
Mom
So…get out of the little car you’re in now you twat and get over here
Jared
They are going to be out with her parents any minute now
Mom
DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I’M GOING TO SHOOT THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR MOTHER IF YOU DON’T
Mom
AND NO COPS! The second I see cops, she’s done.
Jared
Sorry I can’t multitask fucking thieving a friend’s Dad’s car, and texting.
Jared
Just my friend Helena. But not the cops.
Jared
They were inside still.
Jared
I’m pulling off Columbus now to Echo Lake.
Mom
Once I see you pull that car into the parking lot at BK alone, we’ll pull in.
Mom
Now hurry. You have ten minutes.
